I am changing, and not in a good way. It scares me too, because I have never been like this before and it is scary to be this way. I am hurting others for no reason except that I am angry and hurt and I do not know what to do anymore because nothing I do does anything.
I never feel important. On my birthday (which is very soon), I never feel important. At least not since I have been with B. He had to work the first time, and he forgot that it was my birthday. But I was trying to be a good girlfriend so I let it slide and I gave him massages because he was tired from work, I helped organize his papers and do his work, I waited until he went to bed and then I went home myself. That was my first birthday with him.
On my second birthday with him he took a day off work. I was so happy that he did, that was the best gift he could have given me. Except he left my gifts (a bunch of random books) at his parent's place, so he said we would just drop by there quickly to pick them up. We drop by there, and stay for 6 hours. We stay for lunch and chit chat. His sister swaps phones with him because hers does not work upstate. His sister does not like his cover so we drive around for 2 hours so she can get a nice cover for the nice phone her brother is giving her. Then B. decided that his sister needs a new great video card for the new great computer he gave her. So we go to the computer store and he pays approximately 400 dollars for a nice new video card for his sister, which I later find out, she does not even want and never even utilized the new functions it gave her.
THEN we go back to his place, and he is all ready to celebrate my birthday.
I am angry, I am more than angry, I am utterly disgusted at why I ALWAYS have to get the leftovers of him. I understand when it is absolutely necessary, when he has to work or when there is an emergency. But did his sister NEED to get a new cover for the cell phone right away? Did his sister NEED to get a new video card (that she did not even want) right away? Did we have to stay lounging about at his parents place doing NOTHING but chit chatting all the live long day?
B. likes spending time with his family. I understand that. I like spending time with my family too. But guess what.
I never do. I feel like I'm giving a whole lot more than I am getting back. I don't even feel like I am getting a modicum of it back. I have not been home for dinner for a year. B. works at night now, so he sleeps in the day time. I go over in the afternoon and nap for 6 hours with him with the little microscropic ray of hope that I get at least 5 minutes with him if he doesn't wake up late and have to rush rush rush. I plan my schedule around his schedule. I mark down his days off on my calander so I know not to schedule an appointment to the doctor or whatnot when he has a day off. Because I know if I did, I just gave up the ONLY time I may have of spending any time with him that really qualifies as spending time together.
In school, I did not participate in certain extra cirricular activities because if I did then that meant that I am giving up time to spend with B. I gave up going to all family gatherings except Chinese New Year (once a year) so I could spend a little time with B. I visited my aunt last week and she doesn't even recognize me anymore! It has been THAT long since I have seen my family.
I only hang out with my friends when I know he is occupied (sleeping, with his family, working), so I see my friends next to never. He complains about his family always asking him to do stuff. It's because he always does it. He says that if he doesn't do it, no one else will do it. It's because they all know he will do it without questioning him.
The other day he had to assist in translation in the hospital, even though there were people who could translate. He complained about how they called him and did not bother to call anybody else. When they called him to help them (he was on his way to pick me up from work), he immediately dropped whatever he was doing to go help. He did not ask them if they could ask somebody else to translate, he just agreed to go.
When he buys me birthday gifts, they don't even seem like they had much thought put into it. Like last year, it was books thrown together, a few clicks on the computer. This year, it's clothes, I already know it's clothes, and if ANYBODY knows me, they KNOW that the gift to get me is not clothes because I'm not that into clothes. And I am betting it is lingerie, which isn't a gift for ME, it's really a gift for HIM.
I know I'm not at the top of his priority list. Even if I gave up my whole life for him, he'd never notice. I always have to wait for leftovers.
I never feel important. On my birthday (which is very soon), I never feel important. At least not since I have been with B. He had to work the first time, and he forgot that it was my birthday. But I was trying to be a good girlfriend so I let it slide and I gave him massages because he was tired from work, I helped organize his papers and do his work, I waited until he went to bed and then I went home myself. That was my first birthday with him.
On my second birthday with him he took a day off work. I was so happy that he did, that was the best gift he could have given me. Except he left my gifts (a bunch of random books) at his parent's place, so he said we would just drop by there quickly to pick them up. We drop by there, and stay for 6 hours. We stay for lunch and chit chat. His sister swaps phones with him because hers does not work upstate. His sister does not like his cover so we drive around for 2 hours so she can get a nice cover for the nice phone her brother is giving her. Then B. decided that his sister needs a new great video card for the new great computer he gave her. So we go to the computer store and he pays approximately 400 dollars for a nice new video card for his sister, which I later find out, she does not even want and never even utilized the new functions it gave her.
THEN we go back to his place, and he is all ready to celebrate my birthday.
I am angry, I am more than angry, I am utterly disgusted at why I ALWAYS have to get the leftovers of him. I understand when it is absolutely necessary, when he has to work or when there is an emergency. But did his sister NEED to get a new cover for the cell phone right away? Did his sister NEED to get a new video card (that she did not even want) right away? Did we have to stay lounging about at his parents place doing NOTHING but chit chatting all the live long day?
B. likes spending time with his family. I understand that. I like spending time with my family too. But guess what.
I never do. I feel like I'm giving a whole lot more than I am getting back. I don't even feel like I am getting a modicum of it back. I have not been home for dinner for a year. B. works at night now, so he sleeps in the day time. I go over in the afternoon and nap for 6 hours with him with the little microscropic ray of hope that I get at least 5 minutes with him if he doesn't wake up late and have to rush rush rush. I plan my schedule around his schedule. I mark down his days off on my calander so I know not to schedule an appointment to the doctor or whatnot when he has a day off. Because I know if I did, I just gave up the ONLY time I may have of spending any time with him that really qualifies as spending time together.
In school, I did not participate in certain extra cirricular activities because if I did then that meant that I am giving up time to spend with B. I gave up going to all family gatherings except Chinese New Year (once a year) so I could spend a little time with B. I visited my aunt last week and she doesn't even recognize me anymore! It has been THAT long since I have seen my family.
I only hang out with my friends when I know he is occupied (sleeping, with his family, working), so I see my friends next to never. He complains about his family always asking him to do stuff. It's because he always does it. He says that if he doesn't do it, no one else will do it. It's because they all know he will do it without questioning him.
The other day he had to assist in translation in the hospital, even though there were people who could translate. He complained about how they called him and did not bother to call anybody else. When they called him to help them (he was on his way to pick me up from work), he immediately dropped whatever he was doing to go help. He did not ask them if they could ask somebody else to translate, he just agreed to go.
When he buys me birthday gifts, they don't even seem like they had much thought put into it. Like last year, it was books thrown together, a few clicks on the computer. This year, it's clothes, I already know it's clothes, and if ANYBODY knows me, they KNOW that the gift to get me is not clothes because I'm not that into clothes. And I am betting it is lingerie, which isn't a gift for ME, it's really a gift for HIM.
I know I'm not at the top of his priority list. Even if I gave up my whole life for him, he'd never notice. I always have to wait for leftovers.
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